Connecting

It’s so hard to connect. There’s so many thoughts that I feel crawling around inside me. At times, they peek out and give people a little scare. People don’t know what they just saw. So they make it up.

“You ramble,” “you’re babbling,” “you’re not really making any sense.” I know. I can see it on your face.

Kiwis By Beat 14, by Ryan Armand

Bringing thoughts out in a way that others can understand is a recurring obstacle in my life. They can come out, in the best of cases, incomprehensible. In the worst of cases, they hurt someone else. Sometimes they hurt them a lot. At times I can tell— easiest when in person. At other times, I can’t— all my coworkers know I’m a “slack-hole.” (I made that word up, I hope it conveys that I’m an asshole on slack, not that my asshole is slack. Some quick googling suggests this can be interpreted either way, so I leave this to you.)

I’m different than a lot of people. I’m probably different than you. I don’t mean ‘better,’ as for some reason this is what ‘different’ can sometimes mean. It’s more like I’m a different species. Is an Octopus better than a squid? Well, okay, yes, the Octopus is better. But that bad example aside… Is an Octopus better than a Crow? That’s not as clear cut.

To me.

All the ways I think myself to be different belongs in a different post. Here, I just want to reveal (or acknowledge) that I hurt people with my thoughts. I don’t mean to do this. I love you. If you’re reading this, I probably love you, at least on some level. I wish you well. May you never suffer. May you achieve all your wants in your life that come without a cost to others. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that I want to share so much with you, but I’m afraid… I’m afraid I’ll hurt you

I’m also afraid you’ll hurt me. Sam Harris claims that Douglas Harding said, “and then the devil goes, ‘So What?’” It’s a familiar countenance to me, as expressions of comprehension have so often twisted into stark disregard. Whether it comes from my inability to express or another’s lost opportunity to comprehend, to see all the next steps that would make it impossibly boring when put into words, I often hear ‘So what?’ I guess that deserves its own post, too.

What I’m trying to get at, I learned to be careful about when I grab the star and to whom I open my hand. To protect you from me, and to protect myself from the loss of you.